Thoughts/ Essays

Hate Mail

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 07:57:51 -0500

c Patti Henry

I received my first hate mail this week. This person had read my book, “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing,” and thought I was saying women were at fault for the emotional unavailability of men. She was upset. She was raging, and excuse my language, said essentially, among other things, “Read the Bible, you dumb moron bitch!”

Wow. A wave of sadness washed over me for her. This is a person in much, much pain. I immediately sat down and wrote, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” to her. I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry for whatever happened to you at the hands of men. I am sorry my book offended you. I am sorry it brought all your pain to the surface again -- and I wish I could take it away for you.

She wrote back: calmer, kinder, surprised that I wrote to her, and grateful.

Because love heals. It is the only healing force on the planet. We must meet hatred and rage with kindness and love. I am convinced it is the only way to ease people’s pain and suffering -- and to eventually heal the world.

But what I’ve noticed is: people are hesitant to say, “I’m sorry,” to ease another’s pain. Why? I think it’s because of the English language. In English, “I’m sorry,” so often means: I’m sorry for my behavior -- it was my fault. So, people don’t say it when they feel it’s not their behavior that is the problem -- or their fault.

Other languages have better ways of saying “I’m sorry.” In Spanish, the expression is, “Lo siento,” which literally translates: I feel it. In other words: I feel your pain. In German, the expression is, “Es tut mir leid,” which literally translates: your pain/sorrow is done to me. In other words: I feel your pain/sorrow. Both are really expressions of empathy. Neither takes responsibility for the pain you are in, but rather, both express that I can understand your pain and I connect with you on an emotional level and send you comfort.

What if we began to use “I’m sorry,” in that way? What if we freely gave those words away when we noticed someone’s pain and suffering? When we noticed someone’s rage, when we noticed someone’s fear? What if we could say them without blaming ourselves for the other’s pain, but just as a way to express empathy and comfort?

I think it would make a difference. I believe every baby is born with the need to be loved and never outgrows it. In fact, I see that most people are out and out starving for love. Offering the salve of “I’m sorry,” to help heal an emotional wound -- even one that you had nothing to do with -- is one way you can be a healing force in the world.

I remember when I moved to Mexico City many years ago with my boyfriend. I was hesitant to go because I didn’t speak Spanish, but I finally agreed to go. Then, after being there about 4 weeks, my boyfriend decided he wanted to break up! Really?! There I was in this very large unfamiliar city without even the language to help me. I began to panic. I remember leaving his apartment and just starting to run. I didn’t know where I was going, but I ran -- and ran and ran and ran. Finally, I was exhausted. I fell to the ground and started to sob.

Then the miracle happened. A little tiny Indian woman came and sat with me. She talked to me in words I didn’t know, but with a soothing, loving voice. Then she said, “lo siento” over and over again to me as she stroked my hair. I will never forget her kindness and love. She gave me strength, and hope -- just what I needed in such a dark hour.

You can offer the same. Someone is waiting to hear those words from you.

Now I’m not so simplistic to think that all we have to do is start saying “I’m sorry,” and everybody’s rage, hurt, and fear will go away. No, there is much work to be done. However, what I am saying is saying “I’m sorry,” is a step in the right direction: the direction of healing the world. I think it matters.

Also in my hate mail experience, I felt sadness that the writer linked the Bible with all those curse words. What has happened to the Bible these days? How could her sentence even make sense to her? Having graduated from a Quaker college, I have read that Bible -- backwards and forwards over and over again -- and if I were to reduce its contents to one word, that word would be love. If I got a whole phrase, that phrase would be love others.

So, all those ugly, hateful words just don’t seem to go together with the love message of the Bible (or the love message of the Torah, or the love message of the Koran, or the love message of the Gita, etc.). It seems, she missed the point. And it seems, a lot of people are missing the point these days. The point being that love is not a big deal: it is THE deal. It is THE deal on the planet.

Somehow many religions today miss that point. Instead, I hear a lot of encouragement of fear, judgement, and exclusivity. What can be done?

Again, it’s back to the basics: we must meet all that fear, judgement, and exclusivity with love. I truly believe love is the strongest power on the planet and every time we practice kindness, it counts. Every time we meet that fear with, “I’m sorry,” it counts. I’m sorry you’re afraid. I’m sorry for the pain you experience from your fear. I’m sorry -- I wish I could make things better for you. Every time it counts. It all counts. Remember the starfish story:

A child was walking the shore early in the morning after the tide had gone out. The beach was scattered with hundreds of starfish. The little boy was picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean. A stranger came along amazed by this sight and asked the child what he was doing. The boy explained that if a starfish was not put back into the ocean that it would die. Then the stranger exclaimed, “But surely you can’t possibly believe that your throwing a few starfish back into the ocean even matters. Surely you must know there are hundreds -- maybe thousands -- of starfish on probably hundreds of beaches that die everyday.”

To that the child picked up a starfish and sent it flying back into the ocean. He looked up at the stranger and said, “It mattered to that one.”

You see, each time you offer kindness and love it heals the world just a little bit. It matters.

I was grateful for my hate mailer -- she gave me an opportunity to practice loving. May you take advantage of all the opportunities that will be presented to you today to practice the same. Because, trust me, you’re going to have some opportunities -- how you respond to them, will be up to you.

Namaste.

You may follow Patti’s cancer journey at Caringbridge.com. Just type in pattihenry1 to go to Patti’s webpage.

I Hope You Dance

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 16:47:00 -0500

copyright Patti Henry

In March I was diagnosed with the Big “C.” Since then I have been on the cancer treatment roller coaster called chemotherapy. It’s brutal -- not recommended.

It has, however, made me take pause. I’ve listened to Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture again. He is the man who died on July 25, 2008, from pancreatic cancer who had taught at Carnegie Mellon. There he gave a lecture -- his last lecture -- to his students, faculty, and friends about how to live life. The lecture went viral on the Internet, was written into a book, was reprised on Oprah.

In it Randy said things like:

anything is possible -- go for it
live your childhood dreams
have fun
work and play well with others
tell the truth
live in integrity
apologize when you hurt someone
be patient
show gratitude
and, if you live properly, the dreams will come to you.

All inspirational. All words of wisdom.

But, as a fellow cancer patient, of all of the words he said, there was one sentence that resonated -- actually exploded -- deep into my soul. He said:

I’m glad lots of people have heard this lecture,
but I wrote it for just three people:
my children.
For when they are older they can listen to it.

My children.

What do I want to make SURE my children know about how to live life? And what do you want to make sure your children know?

Because I believe we must deliberately, consciously, on purpose TEACH them what that is. Randy Pausch did it beautifully. His children were too young to understand the lessons before he died, so he deliberately, consciously, on purpose put a structure in place to teach them what he felt was imperative for them to know to help them traverse the waters in this adventure we call life.

Yet, what I have found in my almost 25 years of private practice as a psychotherapist is that parents so often don’t parent. They watch from the sidelines thinking kids just sort of grow up on their own. They then get enraged when their kids get into trouble -- never realizing that the kids aren’t the problem in the equation: the lack of parenting is.

I’m here to tell you: parenting is a participation sport. It is not one where you do not participate and can expect to win the game. You must fully participate in the process -- or you most definitely lose the game. You must actively, consciously, on purpose teach your values to your children: by your behaviors and by your words. Use words. Don’t think they are somehow going to have the tools they need when you haven’t given them any.

For example, I have a new client right now whose 18 year old son just got caught dealing marijuana. WOW. Big problem. This child needs loving, active parenting and intervention by the bucketfuls right now. Instead, my client just threw up his hands in exasperation saying, “Kids today! I can’t even get him to mow the lawn -- I have to do it for him!”

I said, “Excuse me? You mow the lawn for him?”

He said, “Well, I tell him to do it 15 times and when he doesn’t, the lawn still has to get done, so I just do it! It’s easier.”

WOW. So the lawn gets done -- but the parenting doesn’t.

We have to actively, on purpose, parent our children.

Now admittedly, so many parents don’t know how to. They weren’t parented well so they don’t have the tools they need to parent well. So what to do? I say, treat this like anything else you would like to know how to do. If you wanted to learn how to build a patio, ride a motorcycle, identify the constellations in the night -- or whatever -- what would you do? Seek out expertise.

It’s the same for learning how to parent well: seek out expertise. Find a teacher, find a book, find a class. Take action. I particularly like the Michael Popkin series called Active Parenting. I also like the parenting books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I love Robert Brooks’ Raising Resilient Children, as well. The point is, if you didn’t get the parenting tools you needed, they are available -- go get them now. Your children need you to. It’s not too late -- Amazon.com is only a click away.

Because what is it you want to make sure your children know?

For me, yes, I want my children to know all the lessons in Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture -- I’ve sat with both of them, watched it, and discussed it. But I realize there are two more things I want them to understand from me, as well.

First, I want each of my boys to KNOW that I see the light that they are. I want them to know that I know them: their good hearts, their amazingness, their brilliant brains, their talents, their inherent worth and dignity. Each of them has a piece of artwork from me that says:

There has never been a day when
I have not been proud of you,
I said to my son,
though some days I’m louder about other stuff so it’s
easy to miss that.

Fortunately, it is easy for me to see each of their lights, as well: they shine so brightly.

Do your children know that you see them as amazing, capable, lovable, talented, incredible lights in the world? Because that’s part of our job as parents -- to make sure they get that piece from us. To not be too loud about the other stuff.

The second thing I want my children to understand from me is so well stated in the lyrics of Lee Ann Womack’s song, “I Hope You Dance”:

And if you get a chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

That is, fully, fully, fully participate in life. Say yes, say yes, say yes to life. To the hard stuff, to the scary stuff, to the crazy fun stuff. Say YES to it all.

Because as a cancer patient in the fight of my life, I know life is short. Don’t be trapped by fear, my dear children, my dear clients, my dear colleagues, family, and friends -- and miss it.

Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Lee Ann Womack’s, “I Hope You Dance”:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw

Turning Left

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 22:04:20 -0500

copyright 2011 Patti Henry

So many people have written to me this month saying, “Hey! Where’s the article?!”

Well, I’ve been otherwise engaged.

On March 10, I was told I had cancer but they didn’t know what kind. By March 14, they still hadn’t identified it but listed the characteristics as: weird, complicated, and extremely aggressive. I was told to drop everything I was doing and to seek chemotherapy immediately. Because it was growing so rapidly they believed a prognosis of 3 months to live seemed reasonable.

I was in Holland on spring break. What a way to ruin a vacation.

Then, on March 16, I was told, “Yippee! Good news! We have identified your cancer and it is highly curable. You could live another 30-40 years!”

Wow. Are you kidding? So my choice has gone from 3 months to 30-40 YEARS?

And so it has. Yes, I have to go through chemo and lose my hair -- BUT, I get 30-40 years for doing so. So, I’m signed up. Joyfully.

Now, I basically have two beliefs that I live my life by that will be helpful on the adventure ahead. They are:

1. Life is amusing.
2. It’s all good.

For example, I found it amusing that the prognostic range was so huge. It made me feel pretty good about the mistakes I’ve made thus far in my life. Usually I get a little closer than THAT.

I’ve also found the whole cancer treatment protocol somewhat absurd, to put it mildly. I am becoming intimately aware that cancer is not that big of a problem. The way we treat cancer, on the other hand, is. It is as though the cancer is a little thumb tack being shoved into the wall by a swing of a huge sledge hammer. Yes, they will kill the cancer cells -- along with my red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets.

Hmmm.... A bit extreme if I do say so myself.

But, for another 30-40 years, I’m in.

And it’s all good. Even the hard stuff. I believe we are each floating in our own boats down the river called Life. That is, no one else is in your boat besides you. You are the only one with you 24/7. Yes, sometimes we tie our boats together -- let’s say to eat dinner or go to a show. But then, after the dinner or show is done, our boats untie and once again float off individually.

This is, of course, why you really have to love the person in your boat: you. He/she will be with you every single moment of your life.

So, as you’re floating down your river, it’s important to realize that you are in for an adventure. The waters aren’t always calm, but they are sometimes. Also there are many surprises along the way. Sometimes we drop over a waterfall and that’s not much fun. Sometimes we find ourselves in a very, very wide part of the river and we feel stuck because the water doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. But it is, slowly but surely. Then there are the times when we can see the river ahead of us and it is looking pretty good, but suddenly our boat is swept to the left in a totally new tributary we didn’t even know existed, let alone have any inkling that we would be going in that direction. We think we’re going straight, but then the river says, “No, you’re going left.”

So, I’m going left. But still in my boat, floating down the magnificent river called Life. So, if you are in a left turn right now, that’s okay. Just keep floating, and enjoy the adventure.

For myself, I look forward to all the lessons and wisdom that will come to me in this unexpected left turn process, and being able to share those lessons with my clients, book readers, seminar participants, and anybody else who is open to hearing them.

I’ve already gotten my first lesson: when you are diagnosed with cancer, suddenly your life comes into crystal clear focus. Instantly. It is amazing. You are able to see how you are living your life in stark contrast to how you want to be living your life. For me, I realized, I’m not doing enough of the things I want to be doing.

It’s not that I’m NOT doing things I want to be doing -- because I am. And it’s not that I don’t want to be doing the things I’m presently doing -- because I do. But, for me, there are many other things I wish to be doing that I don’t make time for.

So:
I hired a personal trainer.
I changed what I was eating. Got rid of the junk.
I bought a kayak -- because I love to go kayaking but I only go once every few years when we are on vacation and there is a place to rent one. Now I can go everyday.
I signed up for a line dancing class -- and a country western one, too.
I cut back on my practice so I could have more time to write -- and rest.
I’m sitting outside more.
And, I stopped participating in arguments about things that don’t matter.
Finally, I realized most things don’t matter.

What about you? What if you got a life-threatening diagnosis today -- one that made you realize you had to get your life force fully functioning to survive? Because, according to Bernie Siegel in “Love, Medicine, and Miracles,” that’s how people heal from life-threatening illnesses: they get more alive.

What do you need to do to get more alive? Tim McGraw’s song says, “I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying.” I’m grateful I’m getting that chance. The diagnosis is not one I wish on you, but the awakening that comes from the diagnosis is.

In Siegel’s book he states: Many people don’t make full use of their life force until a near fatal illness goads them into a “change of mind.”

Hmmm...I wonder what kind of a world it would be if we all made full use of our life force?

Maybe the cancer diagnosis or other major crisis is a gift that is sent to say: WAKE UP! Take claim of your life and live it true to your authentic self!

Another way of saying this is: I believe we have the chance to live Two Lifetimes on this planet. The opportunity to. The First Lifetime is where we think someone else has our power. “They” can make us do things, allow us not to do things, punish us, hurt us, prevent us from living the life we would like to be living. “They” being our parents, our partners, our kids, our boss, our neighbors, our friends, etc.

Lifetime Two begins when a person realizes that’s not true: that no one has the power to control you or your time if you don’t give the power to them. In other words, the Second Lifetime begins when we take responsibility for our own life. We take the reins of our own life: we value ourself, love ourself. Then, and only then, can we fully plunge into Life.

So, are you ready to take responsibility to create the life you want to be living? Seriously, I encourage you to try on the diagnosis. What would you do immediately differently? I’ve been polling my clients and here are some of their answers:

Run in Central Park at 4:30 every morning.
Get a divorce.
See my friends more. Have people over for parties.
Work less -- way less.
Plant more flowers.
Stand up for myself.
Quit my job.
Find a band to sing with!
Dance and listen to good music.

What about you? What do you WANT to be doing in your life that you don’t give yourself the permission or authority to do?

Take it from me, NOW is the time to do it. Don’t wait for a diagnosis.

To each of you I say: I love you and I wish for you the courage to change your life to live the way you WANT to be living it in all aspects. You are wonderful, talented, bright, and creative. Put that to good use!

Nameste.

A Caring Bridge has been set up to support Patti and follow along her cancer journey. It may be accessed at
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/pattihenry1

Your Life Belongs to You

Mon, 3 Jan 2011 11:29:38 -0600

copyright Patti Henry 2011

Remember, your life belongs to you.

A friend said that to me the other day and it jolted me. It somewhat woke me up actually. I’d been slogging along in an unacceptable situation, and finally heard a voice inside of me cry out, “And I don’t have to!” So 2011 is the year of change for me.

I hope it will be for you as well -- especially if you have been plodding along in a situation that doesn’t work for you, hasn’t worked for you, and isn’t going to work for you. It’s curious to me how we as human beings keep tolerating things that are not what we want in our lives.

Here’s an example. I received a phone call last week from someone who had read my book, The Emotionally Unavailable Man. She wanted me to tell her how to fix her fiance. Of course that’s a red flag for me: because nobody can fix anybody but themselves. Because that’s how it works. Only YOU can make things better in your life. However, she wanted to try it another way: to fix him.

She then described her 62 year old fiance that she had been dating for 4 years:

“He’s like a child, someone who never grew up, someone who doesn’t take responsibility, someone you have to tell what to do and what to say, someone who says very hurtful things and doesn’t even realize it, someone who doesn’t ever take initiative, is not dependable, isn’t working in a steady job, and can’t even pay his bills. He didn’t even get me a present for Christmas.”

I’m thinking to myself, “Really?” Clearly this person doesn’t need to fix HIM -- she needs to fix HERSELF by taking responsibility to get out of such an unfulfilling relationship that she has allowed herself to be in for FOUR YEARS. She then asked me if she should marry him. Again, “Really?” I had never spoken to this woman before and she wanted me to tell her whether or not to marry a man about whom she had nothing -- nothing -- positive to say.

Why do we think someone else knows better than we do? Why do we look outside for answers that are inside of us?

I told this woman to write down everything she had said to me, and to have her best friend read it back to her as if the problem were her best friend’s. After that I told her to ask herself, “What would I tell my friend to do?” Immediately she responded with, “I would tell her to get out. I would tell her she deserves more. I would tell her to find an adult to marry.”

You see, we know the answers. It’s just a matter of listening, trusting our inner voice, and being brave enough to move in the direction we want to go.

Another client of mine told me he was wanting to be married to someone who was sober. He’d been saying that to himself for 23 years! His wife was not interested in getting sober. He had raised their two precious children in an alcoholic, crazy system, all the while saying he wanted to be married to someone sober. So, the obvious is: if you want to be married to somebody sober, you have to get unmarried from somebody who isn’t sober.

That is, there is no substitute for action. We have to move in the direction we want to go. Your life belongs to you. Not your spouse, parents, children, friends, or boss. You are the only one who has the power to redirect your path. It’s an illusion to think someone else has that power.

Actually, it’s an excuse. It’s an avoidance. It’s a way to not do the hard stuff. It’s a way of not growing up. It’s a way of not being responsible -- that is, not being able to respond to a situation you don’t want in your life.

Because that’s all growing up is: having the ability to respond -- rather than react -- to ANY situation or problem that the universe hands you. It means being courageous enough to make an unpopular decision; to make, maybe, a mistake; to make a decision that may hurt others’ feelings, etc. It means, also, being courageous enough to claim your life as your own.

It also means being courageous enough to face our fear of being alone.

This, I think, is the single most fear that keeps people stuck. People stay in dead relationships for years because they are afraid of being alone. People stay in horrible jobs for years -- thinking if they lose this job they will never get another one as good. Sort of the all or nothing thinking: if I let go of this (even though it’s bad), I will have nothing.

Which isn’t true. What actually happens is if you let go of something that is keeping you stuck, the Universe will swoop in to fill the vacuum with something new. It happens every time. Now, it might not happen immediately, but, it will happen.

I heard a story by motivational speaker Andy Andrews a while back. He told of Cortez’s quest to take the treasure that the Incas had guarded for 600 years. Here were the steps he took:
1. Get single focused -- he said, “I’m going to go get that treasure.”
2. Gather a support team -- he said, “I will take men who want a piece of the pie so they are invested in the project.”
3. Go for it -- be all in -- he said, “I’ll sell everything I have to buy boats for this mission.”
4. Practice saying out loud what you want in your life -- he said, “We are the conquerors! We own the treasure!”
5. And finally, when the boats and men had landed, Cortez said 3 powerful words on the beach that inspired them beyond compare: “Burn the boats.” Cortez said, “If we are going home, we are going home in their boats.”

Certainly that ramped up the men’s commitment. What are the boats you need to burn? What are the boats you are holding onto for security that are keeping you stuck?

For me, 2011 is the year of burning the boats to take my life to a different level of joy. How about for you?

We Are Not So Different

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 20:14:33 -0600

copyright Patti Henry 2010

A couple of months ago I was contacted by someone who had read my book wondering if I made house calls. It’s not such an unusual request, actually, as I have had many clients all over the States fly me to them when their schedules do not permit their flying to me: New York, LA, Chicago, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Phoenix, etc. So, I said yes, I make house calls.

Thus began the adventure.

I hopped a plane to Seattle, where I was met by a seaplane that flew me to a small remote island about an hour and a half from the mainland. I was asked by the pilot if I’d like a ride in his helicopter later in the week, and I thought to myself, “Really? Are you kidding?” Yes!

After touchdown I was taken to my own private beach house that sits 10 feet from the ocean. It was filled with fresh fruit and gourmet meals for the 8 days I would be there. As my clients were showing me where my private spa and sauna were on the grounds, I could only stare at the beauty every direction I turned. I felt a deep, quiet, all encompassing awe, as if I were looking at the face of God. I remember thinking, “Does life ever get better than this moment?”

Well, it seems it does. It turned out that one of my clients was an accomplished violinist. At the end of one of our sessions he asked if he could play for me. Again I’m thinking, “Really? Are you kidding?” Yes!

I was moved to tears. Sitting in this beautiful beach house filled with the depth and breadth of that soul-filled violin vibration, playing the melody of life, it seemed, over the gentle crashing of the ocean’s waves, I was aware of the perfection of all the universe. It was one of those moments when I got to experience at a cellular level that all is right in the world. I was humbled and grateful.

In my 8 day stay, I learned how to build a fire in the wood burning furnace – and keep it going all day. I learned to rise early to walk on the beach to find ocean polished shells and pebbles that were left, it seems as presents, by the high tide. I learned eagles – of which there are many on the island – mate for life.

And I learned, once again, that people are people are people are people. Very wealthy people are seeking the same thing as very poor people and as everyone else in-between: to feel loved, to feel safe, to feel good enough, to feel important, wanted, noticed; to feel connected, to fit in; to have enough, to be enough, to have friends and family; and to be special to someone.

That is, we are not so different, we human beings. We are not so different if we are Republican or Democrat, if we are Christian or Muslim, if we are rich or poor, if we live on the 51st floor of a high rise in New York City – or on a small remote island in the middle of the ocean.

We are not so different.

So why all the fighting? Why all the hatred? The anger? The fear? Can we, somehow, get beyond all that? What would it take? What would it look like?

I understand Gandhi once said that he was a Shiite, a Hindu, a Christian, a Jew. Maybe when we put down our swords – our guns, our bombs, our sarcasm, our putdowns, our fears – that’s what it will look like. Like Gandhi, we will each be comfortable with all that is.

My island client told me he had a demon that lived within him. I asked him to help me understand what the demon was like. He said, “Oooooooo, he is NASTY. I am Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Well, how nasty? Do you murder people?

Him: No.

Me: Do you do other horrific things? Rape people? Sell people? Things like that?

Him: Well, no, not like that.

Me: Like what then? Give me an example of one of the really bad things you’ve done. Something really nasty.

Him: Okay. When my wife was going through cancer treatments I told her if things didn’t get better between us I was going to leave her. Twice.

Me: Hmmmm…but I know you said you’d leave her because she wasn’t willing to touch you or be touched by you. That’s a big thing. Most people would leave because of that. Now, I’ll grant you, your timing could have better, but big nasty demon, I don’t see it. Seems within the realm of normal to me.

Him: Normal?!

Me: Yep, everyone has a not so nice part of themselves, a shadow self, so to speak. It’s not a demon – it’s just normal. That’s just part of who we are. Sometimes, for lots of reasons, we are not nice.

He was stunned. It never occurred to him that other people had “demons,” too. I told him, yep, every single one of us, and that the goal was to love and embrace that part of ourselves.

His 67 year old eyes narrowed and looked at me askance, as if I had just said something sacrilegious or, at least, crazy.

But it’s true. The goal is to love and embrace our shadow self as we love and embrace the rest of ourselves. We are designed, as human beings, to be imperfect. We are designed with warts. We are designed with yucky, unkind, not nice thoughts and behavior. We are each, every one of us, sometimes mean, thoughtless, selfish, and hard to be around.

Our shadow selves. Those parts of us that come out when we are hurt, or scared, or even just tired. What if we loved and accepted those parts of ourselves, too?

Those parts seems to have a purpose. They remind us that we are not God – and don’t have to be. We, therefore, can let go of trying to control everyone and everything. They are the parts who let us eat a big piece of humble pie every once in a while. They are the parts that let us practice saying, “I’m sorry.” They are often the parts that force us to look deeper at things, and grow.

They may be the parts of ourselves we wish weren’t there, but that doesn’t make them go away. They are there by design: every human being gets them. So, if we, like Gandhi, are to be comfortable with all that is, we must learn to love and accept the not so pretty parts of ourselves as well. We must learn to have compassion for ourselves when we are not at our best.

Further, as we are able to do that with ourselves, then, and only then, we will be able to do so with others. We will be able to see the nasty, not nice, not pretty parts of others and realize, that is me, too. I am you and you are me – and, so, we don’t have to fight anymore. Not in our homes, not at our jobs, not in the world.

For we are not so different. Just human beings: seeking to be loved and accepted, and, universally, imperfect.

And as such, all is right in the world.